Truth Really IS Stranger Than Fiction
by Luinramwen
Summary: An unidentified student gives Sirius a VERY strong dose of Veritaserum, but no one notices. Well, not until he starts telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, anyways...
1. I'm Wearing Pink Boxers Today

Truth Really _Is_ Stranger Than Fiction

A/N - I just got this random idea out of that Void That Isn't A Void But Is Filled With Random Things awhile ago. This will be a one-shot fanfic, written purely for entertainment value, and very little for plot. An evil plotbunny sunk its teeth into my leg and won't let go. Well, I always say, don't mess with the muses, thus this fic. And thanks to Erenriel the Elven Canuck for helping me to decide who to inflict the madness on, plus most of the things that are admitted to be true. |-]

Disclaimer - I own nothing. Nope. Not a thing. JK refuses to give me rights to the Marauders. Well, she did, but just Peter. I gave him back. The other Marauders will never be mine! *cries* My life is worthless.

*~*~*~*

A lone figure walked across the crowded, chattering Great Hall. There was a purposeful motion to their walk as they snaked through the mass of students moving about in the typical breakfast confusion. No one noticed the student, who was accustomed to being unnoticed. 

The student located a particular spot at the Gryffindor table, and, while the four boys were occupied with attempting to retrieve something that looked suspiciously like a love note from James to Lily, emptied a small vial of a clear, colourless liquid into a cereal bowl. Smiling slightly, the student melted back into the crowd.

*~*~*~*

Remus, Sirius, James and Peter sat back down in their spots, the victors in the scrimmage with Frank Longbottom to retrieve the piece of potential blackmail material. James attacked his bacon, cheeks still flushed with the thought of what could have happened had his new unsuccessful attempt to get Lily Evans' attention become public. 

Peter snitched a piece of Remus' toast, but the quiet boy was preoccupied by something. His friends presumed he was worrying about his sick mother again. In the two years they'd been at Hogwarts together, Remus had disappeared to go visit her once, sometimes even twice each month.

Sirius slurped up the remainder of his cereal and started in on a muffin. Halfway through, however, his eyes lost focus and a vague, disoriented look appeared on his face. The other boys didn't notice right off, as James was scolding Peter viciously for attempting to steal his last piece of bacon.

"Merlin's beard, Pete, get your _own_ bacon! There's lots left! There always is! What's so special about _my_ piece? Why try and - hey! Hey, Sirius, what d'you think you're doing?"

Sirius was staring blankly into space - not an unusual occurence, but this time there was an odd look on his face that meant he wasn't merely bored again.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" Peter asked, taking advantage of James' distraction to complete his purloining of the last bacon slice.

"Nothing's wrong," Sirius said. Even his voice sounded a little disoriented. "I'm fine. Better than usual. By the way, I'm not wearing matching socks this morning."

His friends stared at each other, then at the zoned out Sirius. He was acting extremely strange - stranger than usual, even.

"I couldn't find my other green one, so I had to put on a purple and orange striped one that I got from my mother last Christmas. It's really tacky, but I have no more clean clothes left and I refuse to go sockless."

"Sirius, what the -?" James was completely flummoxed.

"I always feel so insecure when I don't have any socks on. It's like finding yourself in the middle of Potions and discovering you're still wearing your pajamas."

The other three boys' jaws were practically scraping the table. 

"All right," Remus said finally, "What have you been eating?"

"More like, what've you been smoking?" James corrected. "I swear you've got stoned on us."

"Not stoned," Sirius answered vaguely. "I'm just telling the truth."

"Telling the truth -" Remus frowned. "Just - telling the truth..." Suddenly his eyes widened. "You don't think -"

"Veritaserum? That potion Professor Medlin was telling us about yesterday? The truth serum?" James gawked. "_That_ would explain everything."

"How can we test it?" Peter wanted to know.

James smiled wickedly. "I know how. Sirius, can you tell me what's under Remus' bed that he swore you to secrecy never to tell about?"

"Hey!" protested Remus. But Sirius was already talking.

"He's got a large chocolate stash...a padlocked box that he wouldn't let me try to pick the lock on...a textbook on Dark creatures...a yellow rubber duck -"

"All right, Sirius, shut up already!" Remus was bright red. 

Peter was snickering. "A rubber duck?"

"- a stuffed furry teddy bear...a nest of mice...an old Smurf lunchbox...dustbunnies...I think that's it."

"He's telling the truth?" James asked Remus. Remus nodded, still very red. "He's telling the truth. This could be an interesting day..."

"What's the first class?" Peter asked as the four friends started back to Gryffindor tower to get their books.

"Transfiguration."

"Fu-un," groaned Remus. "If she makes us turn one more gumdrop into a wine cork I'll go berserk."

"I'm wearing pink boxers today."

"Sirius! For Merlin's sake, keep your mouth shut today! No more half-cocked stories!" hissed James.

"But I am! I'm -"

"-telling the truth, we know, we know," finished Remus. "But we don't need to know some of the things you're telling us. For our sake, and your reputation, keep your mouth shut."

*~*~*~*

"James is terrified of clowns," Sirius informed Professor McGonagall as she passed out to each student a teapot for them to change into coffee butlers.

McGonagall gave Sirius a very startled look. "Black, one more word out of you this week and you've lost Gryffindor ten points."

"All right. Say, Professor, did you know that James screams whenever he sees a clown?"

The whole class was giggling, except for James, who looked mad enough to kill.

"Even a picture of a clown. He thinks they're evil. He'll even scream if you show him a red rubber nose or a squirt-flower. James hates their costume most of all. He says no sane person would ever even consider dressing like that. He told me that whenever the circus comes to his town he hides in his closet until they're gone."

Lily Evans and Venus Strio were leaning on each other for support, laughing so hard they were in tears. McGonagall looked thoroughly bewildered.

"That's enough out of you, Black. Ten points from Gryffindor."

"But Professor, I wasn't finished -" he began.

"I said that's enough!" she barked. "To work! Black, if you even so much as squeak you're in detention tonight."

It was silent for about five minutes, except for people attempting to Transfigure their teapots. Then:

"Professor, did you know that Frank used to take tap-dancing lessons? He was really really good too, but then he had to quit when he came to Hogwarts because he couldn't take them during school -"

"DETENTION!" yelled McGonagall, fuming.

"All right, Professor. I don't mind detention with you. I get detention in Transfiguration a lot because I've had this major crush on you ever since the first day of school -"

"Do I need to repeat myself, Black? ENOUGH!" McGonagall roared, flushing bright red.

The whole class was in an uproar. Peter fell out of his seat, he was laughing so hard. Remus wiped away tears of mirth. James was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. "I'm gonna bust a rib," he said in between fits of laughter. "I'm really gonna bust a rib -"

Sirius sat quietly in his seat, his face still blank and vaguely disoriented.

*~*~*~*

"That was priceless," Remus said as they left Transfiguration. "That was _so_ priceless. The look on McGonagall's face -"

"But I was telling the truth. What's so funny about that?"

"Telling the truth. Merlin - y'mean you really _do_ have a crush on McGonagall?" Peter was appalled.

James doubled over laughing. "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die, if I don't bust a rib first."

"Thank goodness we're the only ones who know that he's telling the absolute truth," Remus said. "Wonder what'll happen in Charms?"

*~*~*~*

"I'm wearing pink boxers today," Sirius informed a few kids who passed by his seat before class started. They gave him a funny look.

"I have bright yellow ones, neon green ones, purple and orange striped ones, and a few blue ones. But I kinda felt like today was a pink day, so I decided that was the way to go."

The three kids gave him an even stranger look, and hurried away.

"Sirius," Remus said patiently. "Maybe you'd better give it a break with talking today. Everything you say digs you deeper and deeper. If you don't stop talking we'll have to tape your mouth shut."

"Marvin Metts has a purple humming ball of fuzz for a pet. It follows him everywhere. He keeps it in his pocket during class. One time his Muggle maid accidentally vacuumed it up, and Marvin was so mad he blew up the vacuum cleaner."

"Sirius, please, shut up," pleaded James. "I don't want to be embarrassed like I was in Transfiguration again."

"Alice Morrisson has a crush on Remus."

"Get the Spellotape," Remus said grimly.

"I don't have any with me! I thought you did!"

"I sleep with a shiny blue plush rhino. His name is Elephant."

"Oh no! Flitwick's coming!" moaned Peter.

"I have a large candy stash taped to the back of the portrait of Sir Inge the Virus Magnet. I also have a bag of fudge hidden inside every third suit of armour. I've got Chocolate Frogs under the willow tree by the lake. There's a bunch of sugar quills inside the hollow leg of my bedside table."

"Definitely gotta remember that," remarked James happily.

Little Professor Flitwick climbed up on his usual stack of books to address the class. "Today we will be -"

"Professor Flitwick, sir, did you know that my uncle is trying to breed Crumple-Horned Snorkacks in his backyard?"

Remus buried his head in his hands. "Pray lightning strikes us soon. Or better yet, pray it strikes Sirius."

*~*~*~*

Their next class was History of Magic. Though taught by Professor Binns, a ghost whose lectures were so dry and boring that it would have taken a Dark attack to wake the class, a good deal of the students appeared to be making a conscious effort to stay awake this time, in order to hear what more things Sirius might have to say this class.

James looked grimly around. "We're not going to make it through this day alive when everyone realizes just how truthful our oblivious friend is being."

"We need to do something to stop him," Remus agreed. "But we don't have a long enough break in between classes to go and get Spellotape until lunch."

"Fine then. I'll sneak out of class and head back to the dorms," James decided.

"What if you get caught?"

"Binns won't notice," James said confidently as their ghost teacher entered the room and began his new lecture.

"Professor," Sirius began, his voice still showing no sign of losing his vague, dream-like truth-telling trance any time soon. "I have a chronic itching disorder."

Remus dove to cover his friend's mouth, but Sirius shrugged him off, still oblivious. Cursing under his breath, Remus struggled to stop Sirius' flow of talk. No success.

"My cousin Bellatrix had dandruff so bad, she tried to curse it away. She was bald for two months. She just got her hair to grow back in September."

The class was laughing already. Binns droned on, even more oblivious than Sirius.

"Peter sleeps with a pink bunny rabbit. He calls it Fluffkins. He generally hides it under his pillow during the day, and he sneaks it out when no one is watching."

"Peter, help me!" Remus growled. Peter was only too happy to oblige after Sirius' last comment.

However, nothing short of an explosion could have stopped Sirius from spilling the beans on everything that crossed his zoned out mind.

At that precise moment, the classroom door flew open, and James stood there, looking guilty and distinctly chagrined. Beside him, keeping a tight grip on his shoulder, was Professor Medlin, the stern Potions master.

"Professor Binns," he said loudly. The ghost stopped, looking slightly bemused. 

"Yes?"

"Mr. Potter here was out of class. He claimed you sent him out to get something."

"I - ah - Mr. Putty," Professor Binns said, with a note of sternness in his voice. "I do not recall sending you out. Sit down, Mr. Potts, and do not try to leave class again."

"Last month James, Remus, Peter and I detonated a firecracker in the dungeons. We set up magical dye capsules around it and the dungeons were sprayed with rainbow colours. It was really cool, especially since we never got caught. Some of the stains still haven't come out."

Medlin raised an eyebrow. "Thank you, Mr. Black. It appears we have finally caught our mystery vandals. You four - Black, Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew - in my office at lunch." He let go of James' shoulder and strode off down the hall. Binns coughed twice, and continued his lecture.

"Did you get the Spellotape?" whispered Remus urgently as James sat down, red-faced.

"No. Medlin caught me before I got anywhere near the dorms. Now I've got one detention, and one potential long-term detention, both from Medlin. And we haven't even had Potions yet! I swear, if Sirius wasn't my friend, why I'd -" James ground his teeth and glared daggers at Sirius, who was currently informing their classmates about the secret behind Filch's erratic student-hating behaviour.

"Can't blame you, mate," Remus sighed. "Can't blame you at all."

*~*~*~*

"I would so love to get hold of the git who dosed Sirius with Veritaserum," fumed James. "I don't believe it! Me and you have to scrub out the dungeons - by _hand_, without magic - and Sirius and Peter have to pickle Manticore stomachs. Every day for a week!"

"Be thankful it isn't longer," grimaced Remus.

"Be thankful Sirius started talking about the time we saw Medlin coming back from Lernin's office at three o'clock in the morning." Peter grinned.

"Yeah, and that's the only thing that's keeping me from making Sirius do all the detention by himself!" James growled. "We didn't get caught! We were home-free for a whole month. I thought we were gonna get away with it. And then Sirius opens his big mouth and -"

"Let's see _you_ keep your mouth shut when you've been dosed with Veritaserum," pointed out Remus wearily. "We're just lucky Medlin didn't add to our detentions when he heard about that."

"My brother is a Death Eater in training," Sirius remarked in an off-hand tone.

"Yes, well, he's evil enough to be," Peter agreed with a shudder. All three boys were trying hard to ignore Sirius.

"I'm starved," said Peter as the four entered the Great Hall.

James slapped himself in the head. "We almost forgot! We can't be hungry until one of us gets the Spellotape!"

"Did someone say something about needing Spellotape?" said a Ravenclaw girl who was passing by. "I have some right here." She dug into her bag as the boys watched in open-mouthed amazement. She pressed the roll into Remus' limp hand. "Take all you want, I've got lots."

"Thanks," James managed. He took the Spellotape from Remus and proceeded to rip off a very long piece. "This should do," he said, handing the roll back. "Thanks again."

"You're welcome," she smiled.

"I sleep with a blue plush rhino. His name is Elephant," called out Sirius as the girl walked away.

Peter took the other end of the tape and helped James wrap the tape tightly around Sirius' mouth, and around the back of his head. The tape was several layers thick when they ran out of it. Sirius was effectively muffled.

"Mmmmmph!" Sirius said.

His friends ignored him. They would only agree to take the tape off his mouth when it was very clear the effects of the Veritaserum had worn off.

"Mmmmmph!" he said again.

"Yes, we _know_ you're wearing pink boxers today," sighed Peter. "Spare us the mental image."

The four boys found their spots at the Gryffindor table and proceeded to grab enough food to satisfy their appetites.

"Ah, James," Remus reminded his friend as James began to get up to go talk to a bunch of boys down near where Lily Evans was sitting, "it might be a good idea not to turn your back on your food today."

"Oh. Riiight," James agreed, sitting back down.

*~*~*~*

Late that night, the boys in the second year dorm sat bolt upright at the sound of Sirius' indignant, agonized yell. "OW!" The boys flung open their curtains and watched. A long string of curses and swears followed as Sirius struggled with his four-poster drapes, and stood, finally, glaring. Then he demanded, "All right, who's bright idea was it to tape my mouth shut?!"

Dead silence. Then Remus went pale. "Uh-oh."

Shaking his head, James started after his friends as Remus tore down the stairs, a stride or two ahead of the angry Sirius. "Looks like everything's back to normal again."

"As normal as it ever gets with you four around," grumbled Frank, pulling the pillow back over his head.

*~*~*~*

A/N - yup, knew it would be weird. If you liked my short fic, please let me know - R - E - V - I - E - W! If you hated it - same procedure. :-)


	2. Ohhhh Caaaaannnnaaadaaaa! Hic!

A/N - Wow. @_@ I don't think I've ever had so many reviews for just one chapter in so short a time! Thank you so much! You're all the best! ^_^ Lifetime supply of Spellotape and Veritaserum for everyone! Oh - wait - that may not be a good idea...

So I guess I lied, though I didn't know it at the time. This story is back by popular demand, it seems. Note: the song in this chapter is from 'Meet Me in St. Louis', which our high-school drama class will have performed by the time I finally post this. It works quite well in this chapter. |-] And just for the sake of fanfiction, the Marauders DO know what Froot Loops are.

A phantom troublemaker is on the loose at Hogwarts. Sirius was the first victim. Who will be next? What form will the embarrassment take THIS time?... 

Disclaimer - I own nothing. Yelled at JK for attempting to foist Peter off on me. Note to self: Avoid pissing JK off, she's got a nasty temper. I'm lucky I can still type!

*~*~*

All four of the boys were extremely sleepy this morning. Sirius had chased poor Remus around Gryffindor tower several times, ranting and raving about Spellotape before James and Peter had managed to stop him by stepping directly in front of the chase. In a flailing pile of limbs and swears, they'd gone down with a thump. Eventually the others had managed to subdue Sirius and pull Remus out from under the armchair, where he'd taken refuge. By then it had been quite late. Which was why they were practically falling asleep on their toast. (No cereal for any of them this morning, you'll notice)

In fact, Peter was actually asleep, but none of his friends noticed because they were so dreadfully dozy as well.

James reached for the pitcher of orange juice that always stood directly beside his plate. He'd bribed the house-elves a little while ago when they'd first discovered the kitchens, so that he'd always have some of his favourite juice. Most of the other Gryffindors looked at this askance, but James didn't care. He'd grown up with a Squib nanny, and she'd always made him orange juice. He was constantly trying to persuade his friends to try it as well, but they always politely refused and stuck with pumpkin.

He filled his glass and drained it in one gulp. James proceeded to fill and drain his glass several more times, each time with a sillier and sillier grin on his face. James might have been obsessed with orange juice and terrified of clowns, but this was _not_ normal behaviour for him.

Remus yawned and rubbed his eyes, unaware that he'd got jelly on the tip of his nose when he'd almost nodded off in his plate. Vaguely he became aware that James had started singing something in an extremely off-key voice. What was more, his words were quite slurred - almost as though he was drunk. Remus snapped immediately to attention.

"I wash drunk lasht night dear mothe-e-er *hic*, I wash drunk the night *hic* before -" sang James, a rather goofy look on his face.

"Hunh?" Sirius said, looking blankly at his best friend.

"He sounds like he's drunk!" exclaimed Remus.

"How?" wondered Sirius, frowning.

"- And if yo' forgive me dear mothe-e-er *hic!*, I'll never get drunk any mo-o-o-o-o-o-ore!" James finished with a flourish, then filled his glass with orange juice. He downed it rapidly, then hiccupped again. "'Shcushe me..."

"The orange juice," the two boys chorused in dismay.

Sirius took the jug out of James' reach - not that he noticed yet - and sniffed at the remaining contents. His nose wrinkled. "Yeah, I definitely smell alcohol. Probably Firewhiskey."

"It's him again," predicted Remus mournfully. "The same one who got you yesterday."

Both friends had to move quickly, as James suddenly took it into his head to stand up on the table and opened his mouth to sing again. Knowing James, the song was probably 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' (It was, as they would find out later. But not now)

"Hello, Shiriush," James said cheerfully, sounding extremely plastered even as his friends forced him to sit down. "*hic* Di' you know tha' Remush ish *hic* terririrified*hic* - shcared - *hichic* of Froot Loopsh? But don' tell him I shaid it. *hic*"

"James," Remus said in disgust, "I'm right here."

James jumped. "AUGH! Where'sh you comin' from all shudden-like? *hic* Shcared me! Where'sh the resht of the *hic* juishe? Ish good today!"

"Are you really?" Sirius asked Remus. "Terrified of Froot Loops?"

Remus glared. "No, I'm not."

James hiccupped again, then slurred, "Oh yesh yo' are! I knowsh it!" James grabbed for a bowl of cereal half-way down the table and with a clumsy tap of his wand, managed to Tranfigure the bowl into a giant Froot Loop.

"Oopsh*hic* -"

Remus screamed and dove under the table before he could stop himself. Peter jolted awake and looked around wildly. 

"Who - what - huh - who screamed?"

"Remus," Sirius informed him.

Peter caught sight of James trying to bite the giant Froot Loop. "What's wrong with James?"

"He's...well...I think he's drunk."

"Is it gone yet?" Remus' quavering voice came from beneath the table.

"James is trying to eat it," Sirius said. "Look, the Froot Loop is not going to hurt you. You can come out now."

"What is going on?" Peter complained. "Why do I always miss all the excitement?"

Sheepishly Remus crawled out from underneath the table, though he still refused to look at the giant Froot Loop. "Don't worry, Pete," he said nervously, avoiding all eye contact with the giant sugary piece of cereal, "I get the feeling you'll still see lots today."

*~*~*

"Nin'y nine boddlesh of beer on da wall *hic*, nin'y nine boddlesh of beeeer -" sang James.

McGonagall swivelled around so fast it was like she was expecting trouble. Though, after the events of yesterday, she probably was. "What was that, Mr. Potter?" she barked.

Sirius groaned under his breath. "Busted."

The boys had managed to keep James quiet for a good ten minutes before James had gotten impatient and bored and had decided to sing. None of their efforts had worked to shut him up.

"Yo' take one down, passh it aroun' *hic*, nin'y eight boddlesh of beer on da wall -"

To a class that had barely recovered from Sirius spurting the truth yesterday, this was high entertainment. Already several people were giggling.

"Mr. Potter, are you feeling all right?" McGonagall said, but her beady eyes were furious. 

"He's fine, Professor," blurted Peter. "He's just -"

Sirius stomped on Peter's foot. Peter let out a yelp and subsided.

"He's just what, Mr. Pettigrew?"

Peter remained silent, though extremely fidgety. He rubbed his foot, grimacing with pain.

"Mr. Pettigrew? Mr. Lupin? Mr. Black? Do you have anything to offer?"

All three boys remained silent.

"Professhor, can I *hic* pleashe go find mo' orange juishe?"

"No." McGonagall fixed her gaze on the other three next. "Mr. Potter sounds to me as though he is drunk, which, of course, he cannot be, because there is no possible way second-years could get their hands on alcohol in the school; also, I cannot believe any of his friends would embarrass him like that. However, if they _did_ -" her glare intensified - "You can be sure that the moment I found any proof that Mr. Potter truly is drunk, and that you had somehow managed to obtain alcohol, you would be expelled." Silence. "Is that understood?"

"Yes Professor," the three said quickly and rather meekly.

"Then take him back to the dormitories. He's excused from classes today, he's in no fit state to learn. I don't trust him to find his own way back. Please tell him when he's sobe - errr - _feeling better_ - that he will be serving another detention on top of the ones he has already accumulated this week." Professor McGonagall turned back to the lesson. 

James screamed. "AUGH! I shaw a clown!*hichichic* McGonagalall'sh a CLOWN!*hic* In dishguishe!" He pointed at the back of Professor McGonagall's head, hand trembling, before he dove under the desk.

McGonagall whirled around, furious. "Get him out of here! NOW!"

"Yesh, shir, ma'am, shir," James slurred as he stumbled out of the classroom with his friends' hands on either shoulder.

*~*~*

Once James was safely (they hoped) in the dormitories, the other three returned to class, sheepishly reassuming their seats under McGonagall's suspicious eye. For once, they all worked studiously for the rest of the class, hoping against hope that they would not get in any more trouble today.

Which, of course, didn't work out at all. Because, as we all know, the Marauders are just a target for trouble, whether they caused it or not.

*~*~*

James weaved down the hallway, having managed to escape even though his friends had specifically told the Fat Lady not to let him out. James sang rather drunkenly to himself, an off-key song that no Hogwarts student would have recognized. "Ohhh, Caaanaaadaaaa *hic*-" He fell into a wall and slid to the floor. "Our home and na-ative laaaaaaaaaaaaand - *hic* Ooo, look at de shpinny walls..."

Eventually he managed to stagger to his feet again and was off down the hallway. "Truuuue pat-ri-ot loooooove *hic* - wha'sh dat shiny door doin' dere? *hichic*" James wrenched open the door and peeked inside. Unbeknownst to him, it was a vanishing cupboard that sent its victims to random places around the castle. James stepped inside...

*~*~*

THUD.

"Ooo, I'sh wen' thud!" exclaimed James, still sounding extremely drunk. "I'sh shpeshial. Shpeshialalalalalalalal....

"*hic* Where am I?"

He would not have recognized the place, not even if he'd been a seventh-year Gryffindor, wise in all the secrets of the school.

James had landed in a girls' dormitory.

The Slytherin girls' dormitory.

*~*~*

A/N - Ooo, I'm so evil. Cliffhanger! I was running out of ideas to continue this chapter and I really really wanted to post it...so I'll write the rest of it some other time, since I have decided to turn this into a longer fic about the mysterious prankster whose target is the Marauders. More random madness is on the way. And if anyone can guess who the mystery prankster is, they get cookies, made special by me!


End file.
